Tuesday, November 11, 2008

African Americans Run Out Of Excuses For Failure

By Bill Jerome

When little Lakeesha goes to class today she'll be one of millions of African American school children for whom failure is no longer and option. Bobby "Booby" Washington; a file clerk at the law firm of Earth, Wind & Fire PA can no longer blame "the man" for his failure to finish law school. He is going to have to accept the fact that it was his daily morning ritual of firing up a pineapple blunt and "poofin" on it all day that stunted his career path. There are millions of Lakeeshas and Boobys all across America that woke up the morning after the election and realized that "the man" is no longer in charge. "The Brother" being in the person of President-Elect Barack Obama is now in charge.

Also because of this historic election poverty entrepreneurs (commonly called community activist or black leaders) have no excuses left to propagate as to why African Americans can't do what other Americans do; which is stay in school, go to college, and get a good job or start a business. The fact that an African American has been elected POTUS is conclusive and irrefutable evidence that African Americans can achieve anything they desire in America.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Breaking News: Black Church Building Fund Located

By Haroldamus

Today Archaeologist uncovered what appears to be the remnants of a building that housed the mythical black church building fund. For hundred of years African Americans donated money to this fund only to never see it used or any records kept as to how much was donated into it. The building fund was found in what appears to be an abandoned graveyard for fried chicken and ham hocks bones near the abandoned home of the late black minister, The Right Reverend Bishop T.A. "Cash" Moneyclipp

Because of his close relationship with God, Bishop Money was able to annoint all donations to any black church building fund and have all of them flown directly to him by angels each and every Sunday. Bishop Money was not a selfish man. For he was known to donate religiously to the recently uncovered secret slush fund called the American Black Pastor's Cadillac (and Mercedes) Funding Association. Until he died, Bishop Money would donate in the nine figure range every year to this fund; which was used to buy new Cadillacs and Mercedes Benz automobiles for the millions of black pastors that lead churches that had less than twenty members.

Health Alert: Mentally Challenged Negro Syndrome

By Bill Jerome

A previously unknown condition called "Mentally Challenged Negro Syndrome" has just been diagnosed by a group of doctors at the Center For Negro Studies located in Coonville, MS. This condition, which was suspected but for years had gone undiagnosed recently became an issue during the 2008 election. 

Doctors were suspicious that something was amiss when around six-percent of African Americans voted for the Republican candidate for President, Senator John McCain over the African American candidate, Senator Barrack Obama. 

Dr. Eaten Noworlaters who lead this study and named the syndrome concluded that "any black man or women that choose McCain over Obama for President had to be straight out of their dayum mind." he also added that "there is just no other conclusion that one can come to in this situation. These mentally challenged Negroes need help."

When asked about the symptoms, Dr. Noworlaters gave Raisin in the Pun a published paper regarding this syndrome. In the cultural vernacular only an African American (and those with an African American cultural mindset) can appreciate the list is as follows:

If You're An African American, You May Be Suffering From Mentally Challenged Negro Syndrome-

  • If you consume more than four pork products a week.
  • If those pork products include; souse meat, spam, chitlins' pig feet and/or sausage in a can.
  • If you believe a white man-god with holes in his hands will float out of the sky and save you.
  • If you watch and donate to pat Robertson's 700 Club.
  • If you believe that John McCain really likes black people.
  • If you have no problem with a picture of a white Jesus hanging in your church or home.
  • If you thought Jesse Helms was "a good white man."
  • If your idea of a vacation getaway for you is spending time at old southern plantations reminiscing about the good life your great-great-great grandmother had being Mr. Charlie's slave cook and love toy.
  • If you're a Republican.
  • If you think Trent Lott's speech commending Strom Thurmond segregationist stance when he ran for President was just a unintentional faux pas.
These are just a few of the symptoms. More research is being done and this list will be updated.

Mentally Challenged Negroes Vote Overwhelmingly For McCain

By Bill Jerome

In a new Peeonu research poll, 99% of African Americans voted for Senator Obama for President. The poll also shows that mentally challenged Negroes voted overwhelmingly for McCain. This is the only poll that broke down the "black vote" in sub-categories such as African American and Negro to come up with this statistic. 

Peeonu researcher Professor Blaque Mealee-Tant said it was "necessary to separate the black vote in this manner" because "it was obvious to her that any black man or women that voted for Republican John McCain after 400 years of slavery, rape, being forced to eat chitlins' genocide, Jim Crow, Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond had to be suffering from the condition known as Mentally Challenged Negro Syndrome."

Other subcategories for the black vote that were polled included blunt smokers, overweight Black men with small penises, infeminate male choir directors, big black women with ashy feet, private pharmaceutical marketers, and black women with facial and chest hair. All of these group voted overwhelmingly for Senator Obama. Professor Mealee-Tant said that she wanted to have more subcategories. Unfortunately she was stymied in this pursuit because crackheads and black Jehovah Witnesses did not vote in significant numbers  to be counted this time around.